A long time ago in a land far away, Fox debuted a musical comedy that moved us and healed and made us feel feelings we didn’t know a TV show could make us feel. Then, over the course of five seasons, it took all of the goodwill it had gathered from the LGBTQ community and set it ablaze like a flamethrower in a room full of cotton balls. And now here we are. Standing on the sidelines watching Glee limp toward its final season. A truncated season, at that, because even the Fox brass—who just greenlit like the 26th season of Bones and will keep American Idol going until the actual apocalypse—realized it was time to put down its once beloved, now nearly universally ridiculed show.
Below you will find a handy infographic to help you navigate the perils of season six. And by “navigate,” I mean “lower your expectations to the earth’s inner core where they will melt like a Glee writer’s memory of whatever character traits Quinn Fabray had just five seconds ago.”
1) According to the tabloids and all the people yelling at me on Twitter, Glee‘s creative team and Naya Rivera got into some kind of epic fisticuffs a la Gandalf and Sauron at the end of last season, a thing that resulted in Naya Rivera being written out of the final episodes of season five. So it makes sense that Naya would ask to return only as a guest star this year—apparently her ex-fiance Big Sean wrote a song about how she has more money than God—but it also sucks camel balls. Santana has been the best thing about Glee for a long, long time. And I’m not just saying that because she’s a lesbian woman of color. I’m saying that because those are the facts according to every TV critic and also science.
2) On the upside, Amber Riley has been upgraded to series regular. Maybe her voice will hypnotize us into forgetting our rage/pain.
3) Heather Morris is also back in action for Season 6, which may mean we’ll get a fitting resolution to Brittany and Santana’s hard-won love story — or maybe Brittany won’t even remember who Santana is because she’s busy marrying any old Joe who leaves her a trail of floor garbage for breakfast time fun. Who knows!
4) Pretty much the only season six storyline I’ve heard about that doesn’t make me want to punch my own self in the head is this one: At some point, Rachel will sing Frozen‘s now legendary ballad “Let It Go,” which: a) She’ll crush because Lea Michele‘s voice is from God’s own personal choir, and b) is weirdly meta because Elsa is Idina Menzel which means Elsa is kind of Rachel’s mom.
5) Sue’s Season 6 arc will be “banning the arts from McKinley High.” It is legit because it’s the only storyline they’ve (perpetually) given her for six seasons. It is awful because it’s the only storyline they’ve (perpetually) given her for six seasons. Oh, Jane Lynch. At least you got paid.
6) Quinn Fabray will return to Lima for a while, a thing that is eleventy shades of ridiculous because in real life, when Quinn Fabray found her way out of Bumblefuck, Ohio and realized she was in the top one percent of human beings in the looks, talent, and smarts departments, there is no way on earth she’d ever, ever, ever go back. But hey, more of Dianna Agron‘s face is always OK with my eyeballs.
7) Rachel and Kurt will leave their lives behind in New York City and return to McKinley High School to wallow in the small town mire they spent four entire seasons plotting to leave behind. Yes, that’s right. Glee has decided to take a piss on the one single thing it has been consistent about for six years: Rachel and Kurt’s desire and drive and ability to Make Their Dreams Come True. I mean, in some ways of course the writers were going to do this. They’ve made it clear that Will Schuester’s half-witted, mansplaining, petulant, banal, casually racist/sexist/biphobic/transmisogynistic wanker personality is the beacon to which all true heroes should aspire—so why not have Rachel and Kurt abandon their successes in the greatest city on earth to come home and coach their high school show choir? Maybe Mr. Schue can give them a crash course on how to gyrate with students while singing about how awesome it is to date rape!
8) Glee will introduce new high schoolers. Yes, new ones. In 15 episodes, Glee is going to wrap up the stories of the Old New Directions, bring back all the fan favorites for a farewell tour, tie a bow around the stories of the New New Directions, and introduce New New New Directions. The New New Directions were shadows of echos of reflections of the original cast. So expect these new guys to be literal half-ghosts.
9) Did I mention there’s a time jump between Seasons 5 and 6 Because apparently that’s a thing that’s happening, during which time Kurt and Blaine will have decided they’re too young to get married and Blaine will have returned to Lima to date Karofsky. Look. Karofsky’s story was as subtle as a kick to the dick, but there was a sweetness to it. But if you think for a single second that Blaine Anderson would date the guy who physically and psychologically tortured the love of his life, you are bonaners. BO.NAN.ERS. Sigh. Another of course, I guess. Of course these writers will handle their most beloved couple’s final episodes with the grace of a tyrannosaurus rex at brunch. Finger sandwiches? Fuck that noise. Not when you can eat the whole head off a live cow!
Will you be watching the final season of Glee, and if so, how drunk do you plan to get to make it through?